Perfect day, life, partner, perfect version of me...Unhealthy perfectionism through the eyes of a therapist.
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People with unhealthy perfectionism run and search for the perfect moment until they are breathless... I encourage them to stop and think about the subject and the costs they incur... Today on the topic of perfectionism - in its healthy and unhealthy versions.
Perfectionism — healthy and unhealthy.
Where to recognize the boundary between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism...?
We talk about healthy perfectionism when someone, in pursuing a goal they have set for themselves, wants to improve in what they do, but reaching perfection is not the determinant of their happiness. They are guided by the idea of self-improvement, but it does not define their value as a person. Perfectionism is not necessary for such a person to be accepted, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. Such a person improves themselves, but not at any cost—they can say enough is enough. The costs of achieving the goal they have set are acceptable and do not cause dysfunction in everyday life. They do not act at any cost—over dead bodies or at the cost of their own:) They do not bear costs related to mental, physical health, or in relationships with other people.
If someone has doubts whether they are affected by unhealthy perfectionism, and knows that they naturally strive for perfection - it is suggested to refer to the best marker of mental state - emotions. If we undertake some action or think about it and feel sadness, anger, frustration, irritability, irritation - it is worth considering whether we have crossed the magical boundary between health and pathology.
Unhealthy perfectionism - let's talk about the costs of living with the problem.
Unhealthy perfectionism leads to emotional and somatic instability. People who are unhealthily perfectionistic often resemble walking bundles of nerves. They may suffer from psychogenic stomach pains, heart palpitations, headaches, nervousness, irritability, and explosiveness. Other common concerns they report include obsessive thoughts, rumination, catastrophizing, and related anxieties tied to not achieving their set goals.
Dysfunctional perfectionism kills the joy of life and narrows the scope of action for the individual. Such a person does not take advantage of the full repertoire of life activities, including pleasurable activities. Unhealthy perfectionism can lead to depression and a "milder" version of mood disorders - dysthymia.
Life through the eyes of a person with unhealthy perfectionism
Such a person entirely transforms into the subject of their fixation. Depending on the severity of the problem, they forget about everyday duties - eating, enjoyable activities... They have no hobbies, as there is no time for them... They become an embodiment of the idea of perfect action. They stop perceiving themselves and often their surroundings as people with various needs, turning into a machine for achieving goals.
Despite their denial - they are not a machine, but a human who has a heart, pumps blood, and sometimes needs to hug themselves and be hugged by another person (mentally and literally). Perfectionism can unequivocally complicate, and even lead to the breakdown of close relationships.
eople most often struggling with it include those with personality traits or disorders, predominantly those with obsessive-compulsive characteristics. It relatively often affects individuals on the autism spectrum, whose brain biology predisposes them to notice details and strive for order and harmony. Another group for whom perfectionism is a torment are those with symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder - referring to the classic example - they strive to wash their hands or clean the space around them perfectly, repeatedly performing this activity.
Perfect Me, and by my side... a perfect P(p)artner
A few words, in the form of therapeutic confrontation... for those with strong nerves... "I'm looking for a prince... on a white horse, no, on a bay horse... let it be a black one... Well... I give up on princes, none even comes close to what I deserve π." This could paraphrase the journey many people, who are unhealthily perfectionistic, take in searching for a partner. Of course, there is also a group of people who enter into relationships with someone and then strive to change their partner — to transform them, in their opinion, into their perfect version.
The perfect image of mysef...
People like that have in their minds the idea of someone who could potentially complete them.
They are more in search of a missing part of themselves rather than contact and interaction with another person.
They often also have inflated imaginations about how they should be and how they should behave. They would like to be... like in the song...
...Skee-Lo’s “I wish” taller and more handsome... and have this and have that... and be good at this and that... ππ Does this give them happiness? The answer is debatable... Of course, one can debate the definition of happiness...In my view, this is not the way.
The crystalline form - a form of sel f-adulation and seeking the ideal "I" is defined as narcissism. Every narcissist wants to have a beautiful echo by their side, like in the Greek legend, which will emphasize their beauty. About narcissistic personality disorders, more another time... For the curious for now, I refer to the book: "Disarming the Narcissist" by Wendy Behary, which contains more information on living with a person often gazing in the mirror - of the soul and body.
What does unhealthy perfectionism lead to in a relationship...
People with unhealthy perfectionism in relationships live under the dictates of an internal, self-imposed pressure. They lose themselves and are not present. They are guided by the plan that they must be a certain way, and when they become so, they will be happy. The ideal partner is also expected to fulfill their inflated imaginations. They focus on his flaws and press him to change them or they will leave and replace him with a better model. Pressure... Both the first and the second option cause immense suffering both in the partner and in the person themselves, who strives for perfection at any cost. Such people are not happy with the fact that they nitpick over details. We are talking about details, not major and serious problems to work through in a relationship. They love themselves and others for what they must achieve, not just because... They focus on results and accomplishments. They love not because someone simply exists and shares joys and sorrows. There is nothing wrong with working on oneself, but these individuals focus on the worse side of the coin of themselves and the other person. There is then no space for joy and free interaction - making silly mistakes and relaxing. That they are accepted as they are. People searching for a perfect princess or prince on a white horse are doomed. A heavy curse weighs on them... they may be alone forever. Potentially, every relationship ends with the statement that it was not it, someone better awaits me, he was not worthy of me.
Another ominous option is that they remain in a given relationship, frustrated themselves, frustrating their partner, tormenting both themselves and him with a focus on imperfections. It is not and has not been pleasant between them.
As with curses, they can be broken... e.g., on the therapist's couch, which I encourage ;)
Unhealthily Perfect Employee... Workaholism - an introduction…
It might seem that striving for perfection in any form in professional life is a panacea for success. It turns out that the level of perfectionism determines whether this is the path to development or its inhibition. Unhealthily perfectionistic individuals have a huge problem with feeling satisfied with the work done. Satisfaction with the result provides space for self-building. Success motivates for the next challenge. Successes for an unhealthy perfectionist never bring full joy, perhaps only a sense of relief. After some time, achieved successes become a sad necessity to maintain a fragile sense of worth.
Impostor Syndrome
The Surprising Solution to the Imposter Syndrome | Lou
Solomon | TEDxCharlotte
People with unhealthy perfectionism are often affected by impostor syndrome. They have a constant feeling of their own internal incompetence and ineptitude. This feeling persists despite achieved successes and praise. They fear that their incompetence will be discovered and they will lose their good reputation in the eyes of their superiors, employees, and surroundings. They never truly achieve anything; it always just seems to work out. They constantly "watch their hands" and look for potential shortcomings... When they start working or speaking in the presence of others… they get nervous… Sometimes this nervousness may manifest as aggressive comments and pressure directed towards others. Sometimes, an unhealthy perfectionist, in such situations, becomes self-aggressive.
They may experience somatization pains in the stomach, trembling hands, and heart palpitations. There is a tendency to berate oneself, which I colloquially refer to in the therapeutic office as "throwing snowballs at oneself". Another omen of unhealthy perfectionism is self-mutilation, such as biting the skin around the nails, or in extreme cases, deliberate self-harm. Due to chastising themselves for imperfection, such individuals appear far less creative than they actually are. They are ashamed of their ideas and do not disclose them. They fear being mocked. Their creativity is frozen within the midst of unhealthy perfectionism.
The comfort of working and interacting with such a person is debatable :). Very often, such individuals have trouble finishing their work on time. In extreme cases, they are affected by workaholism. Sometimes they finish work during designated hours, but their thoughts continually return to the issues they started. They are unable to relax. They are significantly more likely to develop depression.
The topic of imposter syndrome affects all groups of people. It is found among both physical and intellectual workers, and spans all ages, from the young to the old. A common trait among these individuals is a feeling of inadequacy, coupled with a fear that someone will expose them, which could lead to losing everything. Below is a summarizing short psychoeducational film on this topic, which I found on a medical study website.
Do you feel guilty that you are not enough? In the end, like in this movie, you may be surprised to find that you are not alone.
Impostor syndrome: You're not alone | Stanford Medicine
Work on the topic of unhealthy perfectionism...
Lesson 1 - Important concepts...π
Regardless of its etiology, unhealthy perfectionism is suffering. If something is a source of chronic suffering, it is worth examining and trying to change it. Why? Because we only have one life and it is beautiful. It is worth fighting for our life — cleaning the dirty window that prevents us from seeing its beauty.
How can one fight unhealthy perfectionism?
Look for the principle of the golden mean.
Quoting the words of the author Malwina HuΕczak from the book "The Curse of Perfectionism": people are divided into maximalists and the satisfied. Maximalists are seekers of the best possible option. Their search is not time-bound; they do not consider the fact that at a given point in time, we have limited knowledge on a subject. This knowledge expands as it is acquired. There are infinitely many options... and their number increases with the compilation of acquired knowledge...
An unhealthy perfectionist spends a lot of time checking and familiarizing themselves with possibilities and analyzing the effects of their actions and decisions. An unhealthy perfectionist falls into a loop of checking and analyzing. They expend a lot of energy on the preparation process itself. Since the analysis process is potentially endless, it postpones the moment when they must say stop - enough. After a forced decision to finish their work, they still wonder if they made the best decision... They feel unsatisfied. It's hard for them to settle for a "good enough" decision. With an energy deficit, they lack the space to be present and enjoy the results of their efforts. Although maximalists achieve better results than the satisfied, they subjectively perceive reality much worse.
These individuals are at risk for depression. They experience a negative energy balance in life—spending a lot of time searching and perfecting, with a lack of bolts of enthusiasm after completing a task. They are far from joy after small victories. Similarly, they often suffer from eating disorders (anorexia, but also compulsive overeating), emotional crutches—addictions to pornography, alcohol, medications—including social phobia and many other difficulties and psychological problems...
Procrastination... maybe I'll do it later...
A typical element of socially conditioned perfectionism is procrastination. Procrastination involves delaying difficult and important tasks, as perceived by the individual, for later. It is dictated by the fear of the consequences of imperfect performance of a given task. When activated, it leads to a blockage at the stage of preparing to perform the task. The task must be done perfectly, not just anyhow. The mental trap is getting stuck at the preparation stage.
A perfectly clean apartment, a perfect state of mind, perfectly managed relationships with friends... "A person with unhealthy perfectionism will never experience a perfect state," as Yoda from "Star Wars" would say... Following the suggestive words of Greta Thunberg and looking for a remedy for procrastination - "No more bla bla bla". It's simply worth starting to act, with small steps, imperfectly but consistently... to act. Sometimes, when the fear is very great, it leads to cutting oneself off - "forgetting" about the task to be done. And that is also a trap. Everyone knows the effects of procrastination.
This is Why You Are a Perfectionist | Mr. Elon Kline | TEDxUniversityofDelaware
TED X
TED X
Lesson 2 - How to Get Rid of This Junk?
Working on the topic of unhealthy perfectionism.
At the forefront of the arsenal for combating perfectionism is individual therapy. Understanding yourself and your history of unhealthy perfectionism is the foundation of any therapeutic process, regardless of the chosen approach. Working on the motivation to change patterns of behavior and conducting a behavioral analysis of conditioned behaviors is a good starting point.
Understanding the etiology and causes of perfectionism is essential.
This can be facilitated by reflecting on questions like: In striving for perfection, are we trying to rebuild or maintain our self-image? Or are we more concerned with creating an ideal = acceptable image in the eyes of those around us?
A critical element of therapy also involves identifying influential individuals in your life whose criticism contributes to the inner critical voice. Sometimes it might be a mother, a father, or another significant person. Therapeutic work allows for addressing and weakening this inner critical voice.
Imaginary work and the clear expression of the injustice experienced from excessive criticism can be healing. This is where schema therapy comes into play. Just as people can harm, people can heal. It's worth keeping this in mind.
If you are sceptical, you can start your adventure with schema therapy by exploring bibliotherapy. Below is a link to the book
"Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free from Negative Life Patterns'
by Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, and Aaron Beck.
Therapeutic work on perfectionism is not the easiest. Well, who else but us would take on the challenge? π
To wrap it up, there is no such thing as a perfect life or everlasting perfect moments. Even coffee brought by Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling cools down after a while. What remains, however, are the memories and moments that give life its flavor… It’s worth not focusing on the details and their fleeting nature but instead savoring each moment wholeheartedly.
This is my wish for everyone in the New Year and beyond.
A healthy, perfect moment and the acceptance that, like a cloud, it will drift away but will stay forever within us (a nod to mindfulness π).
Until the next post…
